I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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