that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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