Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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