I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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