VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
