sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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