Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
