You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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