Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I think i got beer on your cat.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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