Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
