this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
