so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
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