I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
