I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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