literally had 100 drinks last night.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
