How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
