I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My bed smells like the plague
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