Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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