Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
