I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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