So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
