rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
