omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
