I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
