Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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