Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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