Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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