is your mom at the bar?
Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
He passed out mid-signature
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
