I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
