HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Pants are for mortals
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
