i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
