No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
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