Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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