im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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