Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
