wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
