I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
