So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
