I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
