I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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