Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
