Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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