I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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