I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
