last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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