Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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