Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
