Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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