got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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