Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
